I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
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handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you