“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
You Might Also Like
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
This kid will have a bright future.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Me too
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions