Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
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I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
The booster protects against what, now?
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?