Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
You Might Also Like
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all