[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
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Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.