[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
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Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?