If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
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*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
So many pants.
So little yoga.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Writing, She Murdered.