Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
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me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*