To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
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Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.