(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
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If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars