Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
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*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
For the ones in the back.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…