My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
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Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!