casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
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New mindset, who dis?
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl