(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
You Might Also Like
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow