“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
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why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08