friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
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Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Rambo Rambow
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge