Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
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Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
My diet starts in January
of 2027
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
mumsnet is amazing
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!