That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
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Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.