Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
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Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
lost dog
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.