We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
You Might Also Like
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?