Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
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When he asks for feet pics
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets