Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
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everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.