“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
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Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]