Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
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Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂