[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
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Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
shit just got real
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.