*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
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Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
The little toadstool has spoken.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR