So that’s what we looked like?
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The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few