Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
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I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Close call…