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Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
incredible book dedication
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits