Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
You Might Also Like
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.