On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
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When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!