Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
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I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*