Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
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[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Can’t. Being lazy.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
A drum solo but on your face.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.