“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
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Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated