Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
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My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
I’m being attacked 😭
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?