If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
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*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.