Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
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Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
motivation
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?