[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
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Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?