I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
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It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
My kitchen overserved me.
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.