me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
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What an awful time to have common sense.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
I can’t be the only one 😂
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?