*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
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People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
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I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old