My patronus is a cheeseburger
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“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
accurate
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
❤️🦆
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.