Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
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inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?