wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
You Might Also Like
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
God has left this place
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Found the job I’m suited for
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho