There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
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Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.