[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
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[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
i think both sides are to blame here
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside