My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
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I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”