*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
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i’m laughing very hard in real life
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
You can’t rush stupid.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)