Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
You Might Also Like
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.