Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
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Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT